Honey Hooded Ratty? Check
This WAS written on my mobile a few days ago but it wouldn't upload. So much for technology.
What a good day it was. I am so very full of prawns.
It's funny ? I was not feeling particularly excited on Christmas eve. I was very calm and collected. But my body must have been otherwise because I could not get to sleep till some crazy hour (about 2am which strangely enough was the hour my sisters body decided to wake up!) and I woke up at seven thirty despite feeling very tired! Funny/annoying thing is it is now 1am or something and I still can't sleep! Christmas is over my-body! Calm down! You have a long drive to Newcastle to make tomorrow! Go to sleep! By the way I'm writing this in bed from my mobile phone. Technology. Amazing.
In other news animals in the local area have been acting weirdly in the last day or so. The other night, as I was changing into my pj's for bed, a feral cat erupted from somewhere in my bedroom and started trying to run up the walls in a desperate attempt to escape my apparently terrifying presence! I ran out of the room half-dressed, slammed the door, remembered Polly (the rat) was in there, opened the door slowly and pulled her out. Then I went and found dad who went and found a broom which went and found the cat which was by that stage hiding under my bed. Poor bugger was so scared. Anyway Dad showed it the door.
The other strange thing that happened was Polly biting my sister for no apparent reason. She just crept up and started biting her.. Not hard at first.. But when my sister tried to move her she nipped her so hard it broke the skin! Crazy polly. I'm thinking maybe the smell of her rat Frankie was somewhere on her and Polly didn't like it. Or maybe she was still weirded out from the Cat going nutso in my bedroom. Or maybe she had p.m.s. Who knows. I'm off to sleep in anycase.
I went and watched Avatar in 3d this evening and it made me feel quite ill! Maybe I would be feeling ill anyway - maybe i'm coming down with something - but my stomach it churning! And my head hurts! And my eyes feel all squeezed out like dry sponges. Actually they feel a little like.. You know spotlights? How people stand behind them and move them about manually? I feel like I can feel the little people standing behind my eyes moving them about.
In other news.. I'm in Newcastle! Until tomorrow.
-Hannah
There is a very hairy black cat sitting on my lap :) I feel happy about that!
I am listening to 'Noah and the Whale'.. I also feel happy about that!
I've been drinking Lady Grey tea! Hoorah!
There is also a small honey hooded rattie on my shoulder! She's trying to sleep.
I think I might have broken the air cooler though.. It's one of those wheel around air coolers. I wheeled it out here and turned it on and nothing happened. *pulls collar nervously* Eiihh.
On an unrelated note.. Does anyone else ever wake up in the midst of doing something in their sleep? I was very surprised the other night to wake up in the middle of lunging wildy over the side of my bed (to where the ratties cage is) and desperately detaching and yanking the top of the cage up into the bed with me! Why did I do that? I have a vague recollection of feeling like she (the rat) was in danger... But thats about it.
My dreams have been particularly vivid lately.. And people keep saying 'Did you just wake up?' or 'Are you sick?' or 'You look tired!' when they see me.. But i'm sleeping just the same as I normally do!
Weird..
Dear Grand-dad,
How does one figure out what to do with ones life? And why does it matter?
-Hannah
To whom it may concern,
I didn't end up driving the Celica to Newcastle. My parents insisted I drive their much more reliable and N.R.M.A assistance covered car. Which I did.
Yours safely and in Newcastle in one piece,
Hannah
Dear Kylie,
Today I tried to call N.R.M.A to find out 1. If your car's membership was all good 2. Who's name it is under because I can't remember.
I was doing this because I have to attempt to drive it to Newcastle tomorrow and.. I'm scared of dying on the side of the road.
The conversation with the lady at the N.R.M.A went something like this:
Lady: Hello, N.R.M.A how can I help you?
Me: "Hi, I'm just calling to see if my N.R.M.A membership is all up to date and good?
Lady: Sure thing! Whats your membership number?
Me: Ah yeah it's (insert number here)
Lady: Great. So this is Kylie?
Me: .......... *delay* ..... Yes.. This is Kylie.
Lady: O.k.. So just to confirm. Whats your full name, date of birth and address?
Me: Yep it's (insert Kylie's full name here). My date of birth is.. Is.. *delay* (Oh crap when is Kylie's birthday?!) *more delay* (What do I do! She's going to know I'm a fraud!) ............ Oh! Oh No! My phone is going crazy! What the? *I hang up. Click, beep beep beep beep*
I'm a fraud! And a liar! And a bad actor!
Anyway.. I've since contacted your Mum who is going to impersonate you for me. Hopefully she knows your birthday :)
I washed the car today too. I'm telling myself that is going to make it run well.
Don't get the wrong idea. It IS running well. Generally. Except for that rattling noise.
I just thought you would appreciate an update on your beloved car. It misses you.
Yours faithfully
Hannah
Dear Jesus,
It's funny to write a letter to you. It's funny all the different things people tell me about you. Julie said I could ask you to show me where in the room you were... And I did it and it seemed like you were near the door. Then I asked you to come and stand near me and I felt like you were standing on the right hand side of me. I've done this a few times since. I guess I'm still not sure if it's my imagination or what. I don't doubt you're here.. But I guess I just don't know enough about you to know if you work that way. Maybe you do for some people because that's what they connect with.
Other people tell me you're absolutely everywhere.. Are you inside my stomach? Inside my skin? Even in my hair?
People talk about the Spirit living within us... That is so mysterious to me. I still don't feel like I know what that means exactly. I wish I could see a picture of my 'spirit'. Does everything have a Spirit? Do I even have a spirit?
Heart, Soul, Mind.. Spirit..
I think you're very mysterious. You confuse me. But I also think you're very good. You've certainly done good things for me. And I've seen you do good things for lots of other people..
I'd like to know you more. Know what makes you tic, what makes you laugh and feel sad and everything. I want to know what you think about me. And I'd like to know what you think of everybody else. Then I want to feel the same way you do about me and about everybody else. I'd like to think like you.
I can say now that I love you. I didn't think I'd ever be able to say it. I used to feel guilty that I didn't feel like I could honestly say it. I fail at loving you practically... But I'm trying and I want to keep trying harder.
Thank you for this mysterious life.
-Hannah
Today I:
- got bitten on the head by a man with big teeth
- iced an extremely large birthday cake. This included little penguins made out of edible icing!
- swam in the river in my clothes
- swam in the pool in my swimmers
- weeded for 1.5 hours, covering an area of approximately 2 square metres
- clipped my rats toe-nails - until she noticed I was doing it and ran away
- played 'Spaceboy' by The Smashing Pumpkins on my guitar
- Talked briefly with someone about what Jesus being the Son of God actually MEANS. (Any idea's people?)
- made a small speech at a birthday party
- made a large mess on my bedroom floor
- consumed approximately three standard alcoholic drinks
- was chased by horses 8 times
- found out what my body mass index is
In other news, I HAVE 8 ASSIGNMENTS TO GO! Which I am very happy about. I mean, it should be one or two.. But.. all considering I'm pretty happy that it's only 8. I CAN DO IT! Prizes for the person who can invent the best study incentive ever!
How are you?
-Hannah
I took a stroll down to the river just now.. It was sooo nice.. The moon was shining, there was no wind, it was warm. A chorus of crickets serenaded me. Polly (the rat) was with me. We went and sat by the water. I dipped my toes in the water. It was waaarrrmm! Dipped my feet. Dipped my ankles. Dipped my legs.. Eventually decided I would try dip my whole self..
The water was soo nice. Getting into the water without dunking Polly (the rat) under too was no small feat. I held her in my hand high above my head and slipped clumsily in (almost dropping her). Then I had to swim one armed to a place I could stand up. I put her on my head and swam about. She took it pretty well.. She didn't TOTALLY freak out.. Just a little bit. She just kept looking for some way to get off me! She'd crawl down the side of my head onto by shoulder but, Oh! Water there... So she'd run up across my shoulder, down my arm to my hand but, oh! Water there too! It was just a little bit funny.
But I didn't stay in there tooooooo long, just for her. When I'd one-handedly made it back to the shore she tried to make a very quick escape in to a bush! But I got her. Poor bugger. I think she's over it now.. She's on my shoulder trying to sleep her worries away.
I'm so keen to get this music stuff happening! I really want to make good tunes with other Muso's! It has been so rad recently to get to play with Kate B and Amy V and Kat H! Kat has been writing some really nice piano bits to go with a couple of songs and I just love them! They give them a whole different vibe. I love that there can be so many different ways of playing one song.
Kate B signed me up for a open mic comp at the Blackstump Xn music fest in Sydney recently (thanks Kate :) ) She and Amy sung some real nice harmonies. It was ver-nice :) I wasn't feeling real confident but it was a really great experience.. I didn't realise before hand that it was going to be Australian Idol style - there were a couple of judges who.. er.. judged you in front of everybody after you played. The judges were really encouraging though, it was good.
Right now my little golden hooded rat is sitting in my cleavage poking her head out the top of my singlet (too much information? I don't care, it's cute!). Gosh I love her... She is so sweet.
So yep.. If anyone wants to make some music, let me know.
Han
I'm trying to write this bloody essay about Timothy.. But every time I go to work on it my brain wants to throw a tantrum like a 2 year old! Stupid brain. Maybe I need to go for a jog or a swim or a bike ride.
My sister goes back to Broken Hill today :( It's been SOOO nice to spend time with her! She bought her own little rattie the day before yesterday. She wants to call him 'Frankie' but I think she should call him 'Beans'. Beans is soo a better name! Eww gross.. My rat just ate a booger! :| Yuck.
Ok enough fart arse-ing around.. Time to get down to business.
Did I mention how cool my DSi is??
I went to McDonalds yesterday. I could stand in line and check my email (on the DSi and using Maccas free wifi) while waiting to order! Ahh it makes me happy :)
I want to write about how awesome Blackstump was this weekend.... But sooo tired. I will just do a short version.
Highlights included:
1. Making coffee! (Though last years coffee-making-partner Kylie was sorely missed!)
2. Seeing LOTS of people I know!
3. I saw 2 bands who had melodians! Yhey!
4. I got to perform in the Open Mic comp and got some good comments from the judges :D
5. Pete's Good Friday elective (which was music, poetry, stories etc) went well!
6. Listening to Mike Frost was good!
7. Seeing Sons of Korah was good too! My friend Kaity nearly had a heart attack she was so happy - She met them.
Ummmm..
Then we drove up here to Gin Gin straight after it had finished! We left Sydney about 12 mid day.. Arrived here 5:30 am Qld time! Annndd slept all day :)
Ok.. My cousins are having a go at me writing on my blog. Bye!
"So I'm sitting in the dark. I can't feel the cold - I've had too much to drink. I'm trying to remember how I got here...
Oh, that's right. I walked. Stumbled rather. That feels like so long ago...
I'm resting my head on my knees and running my fingers through the grass. Is it wet? I don't really understand 'wet' in my state. The lights of nearby houses are swimming before my eyes.. I'm wondering what the people in the houses are doing. Though they are so close I could go knock on their doors, I am a million miles away. I couldn't call out if I tried.
I am remembering a loud, dark, room. A mass of bodies. The smell of sweat, smoke an alcohol. I'm remembering going to the bathroom. There is a girl on the floor in the cubicle next to me. I'm knocking on the door.. Asking if she is O.K. She's not moving, just lying, small and broken in a crumpled heap. I'm getting a security guard. 'A girl has passed out in the toilets.' I tell him. Then I leave. I never find out if she was O.K.
Stepping out of my memory, I'm smoking a cigarette. Then I'm smoking another. My chest feels as though it has a hole in it. What's the time?
I'm remembering a large, bright space. A mass of bodies. We're standing in a river. The smell of water and green. The current is swirling around my legs. These people... I'm turning around looking at their mouths moving in unison. Are they speaking? What are they saying? Ah! Now I hear them! They're not speaking - They're singing! It's beautiful and its EVERYWHERE. Pressing in from every side. Then, I'm underwater.
Stepping out of my memory. I'm looking at the sky. I'm starting to feel unsettled. The stars.. Are they watching me? My heart is beating a little fast. SOMETHING endless is watching me. Gazing through the stars.. Waiting. The air feels thick, something is all around me, pushing in from every side. Those stars are baring down on me, I'm feeling scared they will send me blind. I'm looking away. I'm reaching into my handbag and getting out a book and a pen. I'm writing in a messy scrawl across the page.
Moving forward in time...
I'm laying in bed, looking through a tattered old journal. I'm reading a piece of scribbles writing.
'Don't fall asleep now.
I'm the gravity of the stars
calling you to come home...'
Strange.. I don't remember writing that."
Well, the relocation was a success. I am almost entirely relocated. Half of my brain, a chunk of my heart and my two bookshelves are still in Coona.. But the rest of me and my stuff is now in Dubbo.
Today I have been unpacking my room.. Putting books into shelves, posters on to walls and unceremoniously stuffing my clothes into the wardrobes. It does feel slightly more like home after putting up the posters. The people in posters are like old friends to me. Wherever I am, they are too.. Smiling down at me from their blue tacked positions on my bedroom wall. They are waiting when I come home from work, watching me when I sleep, (when I dress?), when I am happy or sad. It's something of a comfort when I move to a new place and put them up. The space changes from just that - a space - into my room. With it's own people with their very own culture. I like it.
I'm totally uninspired and out of energy to write something worth reading. So I will just do some random thoughts.
I'm lying on my bed after a long day at work listening to Jazz.. Very nice.
The till was $30 under today... Not nice. Depressing.
I am moving town in a little under two weeks. I don't know where yet.
I wish I could play the flute.
My brain has settled down somewhat from the last few months. Actually no it hasn't. My brain is as retarded as ever. Little bubbles of clarity are nice though.
God---- I don't understand you.
Oooh, my boss just rang and told me the till is actually not under.. It's all ok! Very nice.
I bought a BR-600 digital recording thing so I can finally do some O.k recordings of my songs at home.. But since I got it I haven't had the energy to actually do anything with it. But it's still very nice.
I went to Canberra and saw Laura. I also saw the Universities there. ANU is beautiful.. And they had a Jazz band playing at the Open Day.. So points to them from me.
The thought of actually doing the application for UNI is thoroughly overwhelming. I wish I had someone I could just give money to to help me figure it all out.
That will be all
Han
This is my second blog post via the DSI. This time i am doing it using some sort of tool that recognises my handwriting. l dont Know if it is faster than operating the tiny little touch-screem keyooard that is my other option, but it is certainly something. It seems to hate the letters 't' and 'h'. here is a senxance wirh no editing wna+soeuor. For those playing at home that was supposed to say `here is a sentance with no editing whatsoever.`
Ah well, i`m tired. Goodnight.
Call me a nerd but i`m excited! I`m sitting out the front of the Deli Lama in Canowindra, writing this on my Nintendo DSi! It`s very fun and full of time-wasting gizmos guarenteed to help me disconnect from reality whenever I feel the need!Yipee! Really though.. It`s pretty cool. Better go, my f/w just arrived.
I read this in an old journal the other day and it kind of amused me so I'm going to share it.
"Slept for about an hour last night. Woke up at 3, walked from the team house to Waratah train station in the rain..with no umbrella. I put my bags in a trolly I found. I coasted down the hills where I could. A man pulled over and was yelling something to me about if I wanted a lift. I ignored him and made it to the station. The rain got heavier. The man drove past the station about 4 times hooting the horn at me.
I wrote a C.S Lewis quote on the seat. On the first train I caught a man had his Bike stolen. At the station where I got off and waited a drunk man with a bike was talking to another man and giving him swigs of something out of a sports bottle. A kind of fat guy came with no shirt on, his white pants were stained with a big brown mark on the bottom.. Like he'd fallen on his ass in the mud. He cursed and yelled to no one in particular about some 'junkie hooker' that had 'screwed him over'.
I sat in a different carriage to him when the train finally came at 4 something AM. This second train trip was uneventful. I took off my shoes and tried to dry my feet, soaked from my walk in the rain. I got out my sleeping bag and slept most of the way listening to Sufjan Stevens."
It just kind of amused me in it's report-like-ness. It was a very strange, surreal kind of experience. The bizarre and grotesque characters that haunt the streets in the early hours of the morning. The rain and the oily sheen of the wet road.. And how weirdly similar the feeling of riding a bike on a clear day was to the freedom of coasting down the long hilly streets, in the rain, in the middle of the night, on the back of this old trolly packed with my luggage.
Hmm anyway..
I was on a Bowie high today. I watched The Life Aquatic last night so.. enough said yeah?
But then tonight I was telling my boss about how much I liked the Life Aquatic and the sound track with all the acoustic Bowie and how I like him in general and the first time I saw Bowie in the Labyrinth and aren't all the puppets so cool etc.. And she stops me mid sentence and casually brings up the time he came to Coonabarabran???????
Bowie in Coonabarabran? huh? I think I said "What? What? What?" about 5 times.
Is this true? Are we thinking of the same person?
I didn't believe it.. But then I read this --> http://www.bowiedownunder.com/letsdancevideos/letsdancevideos.htm
For those too lazy to read the entire article.. He was around the area (Mostly not Coona but I'm going to ignore that) filming the 'Lets Dance' film clip.. --
"ON THE FINAL DAY OF SHOOTING, THE crew sets out from its motel base in Coonabarabran, on the banks of the Castlereagh River, for the Warrumbungle range, a national preserve located thirty-odd kilometers away. It is a place of surrealistically spectacular sights: rock-topped hills rising in eccentric formations against the enormous blue sky, heat-shattered glim trees clawing the air or keeled over in droves on the arid plains, puff Mushrooms bigger than baseballs, meat ants the size of termites and march flies that can chew right through your clothes to the flesh and blood below. There is Much rendering of the 'Australian salute" in an effort to fend off flying pests, and the heat is an autonomous and oppressive presence.
...."What a ridiculous bird!" Bowie shouts delightedly, as an emu - a kind of bizarre, humpbacked turkey - goes trotting off through some nearby scrub."
Crazy town I tell you.. Crazy town. I just can't imagine it. Coona just became 10% more awesome bringing it's awesome rating to a total of 10% awesome!
Thank you Bowie.
-Han
It's July. How can it get colder after this point? I thought that after July (it being the middle month of winter) things should warm up? But apparently not. Apparently it will get colder. In September. September??? That's Spring! This crazy town.
Now that is out my my system.. Read this:
Trails of troubles
and roads of battles.
They lead to paths of victory.
We shall walk.
And then this:
The mountain was a movin'
The hummin' of its wheels
Told me of the new day
That was comin' across the fields
What do you think??
That will be all today I think.
-Han
How did this happen? A fortnight ago I was in bed by 11:30 every night.. Now it's 2:36am and I still don't want to go to sleep. Grr.. I blame the curly blonde boy.
It's incredible sometimes how things work out.
I don't quite know how to reconcile the head part of me and the emotional, heart part of me. I seem only to have those two modes of function and spend my existence fluctuating between the two of them.
It's funny how they both override and support each other at the same time.. Like siblings who fight like crazy- sometimes they're not talking to each other- but really are always there to help each other out, or spur each other into action, or convince them that its all O.K.
I was never more happy to meet an anticlimax then I was a few Mondays ago..
I really, really, really wanted and needed to know how my vulnerability would be received.. How they would respond to what I had to tell them. I was terrified.. I had always thought I would keep it from them and even from God if I possibly could. But it worked like it does in that poem - 'When the need to have our own 'knowing' is swallowed in being known' - The being known outshone all that I was afraid of.
There is still a long way to go, but that was a good step.
This is one of those times where it feels like time is standing still. Seconds are ticking by, but things are frozen because you're still in the same situation you were yesterday..
I caught the train from Newcastle to Sydney a few months ago. It was about 4:30am when I got on the train. It was so dark and cold. I got into my sleeping bag and pulled the hood tight around my head so there was only a small slit to see through. Then I slept. It felt then like time was still. I woke and I was still on the train. I was still listening to Sufjan Stevens. Time was obviously passing because the mountains and fields and places we passed through were getting lighter and more awake.. But it felt different to me, I was still in the same place.
Thats how I feel now. I can't explain it very well.
This is a Video of Joseph Kittinger
I read that for the first part he didn't feel the sensation of falling (cause he was so high up) and had to look up at the balloon to check..
Is life about one big jump? Or is it lots of jumps? Or is it about letting yourself fall without a parachute, because someone will catch you?
So I was lying in bed last night having a good old winge to God. It all began pretty normal, but I started getting a bit worked up you know like '...and while I'm at it blahblahblah!'. It escalated and I quickly became more irritated and irrational until it ended up like '..Rararararararara.. and rararrarara!.. So THERE! What do you think of THAT?!' and I sealed the deal by rolling over violently, thrusting the sheets around me as I did.. I was satisfied until a second later the heavy mug sitting on my bed head fell off and cracked me over the forehead!!!
and I swear I heard a voice say 'What do you think of THAT?'
I've figured out the way to perfect health! I've started telling myself as often as I think of it "I'm on a health stint." (Actually the word I want to say is 'Bint' But it's not actually a word meaning what I want it to mean.. The word I want is some sort of mix between 'Stint' and 'Binge'. So.. I'm my head I do actually say 'Bint' but for everybody else's sake I will say 'Stint'.)
Not for any particular reason.. The words just came into my head one day.
Anyway..
I wake up in the morning and go 'I'm on a health stint!!' and go find something to eat that proves the statement. I need to go down the street.. I think of driving the car when into my head pops 'I'm on a health Stint!' So I walk.
So far so good.
I finally have a little bit of time to do some study.... But somehow I ended up here! The book I need to read is sitting right in front of me. All I have to do is pick it up and start reading it.
Ok.. Here's the deal.. I'll stuff about till 11:00 am (in 15 mins time) then I will get cracking. Sound good?
Alright.
Not many very exciting things have happened lately. A few weeks ago we all went up to the observatory here and checked out the massive telescope.. It was soooooo cool. When it was time to go Casey and I headed down a narrow flight of stairs. Actually it was quite a few flights of stairs. The acoustics in there were really nice so I started to sing 'Come Thou Fount' as we went and Casey joined in in harmony. It sounded very cool. I want to go back there with a bunch of people and sing something else.
Wow.. 5 minutes left. 10 minutes = not that much.
I miss traveling. There was always something really interesting to see.. It was always unpredictable and exciting. Being here IS interesting, but it also feels like a hard slog, there is all this stuff thats got to be done - ALL the time. Then again -- It is good to see how other people benefit from the work getting done. Like when you've worked together to collect and organise unrelated things and turned it into something, when that work is done and it actually happens and people come and they enjoy it and get something out of it. That feels good.
It's like cooking something! Bit of this, bit of that, put it together and BAM! Melting Moments.. Mmmm.
Just another nice reminder that the world doesn't revolve around me.
Oops it's 11:04!
-Hannah
When tongues fall out of skulls
When flesh drops off like old clothes, threadbare and old – warn too long.
When watches stop ticking
Even before then – when time marches on unnoticed because life is all sleeping, sedation and numbness.
When the need to have our own 'knowing' is swallowed by being known.
When childish speech and feeling and thought have no further significance.
Then there is only those outlasting qualities
Faith, Hope and Love
And the greatest is Love.
Yep..
I discovered tonight that I have accidentally been using two other peoples toothbrushes..
errrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggh
I don't know if it's the caffeine in my blood, that I filled out the St Albans Folk festival volunteer form and got pepped up or whether I got to drink Chai Tea this morning for the first time in ages.. But I feel excited about life today! I'm not usually un-excited.. But today I just feel zippy!
Actually I think it is MOSTLY due to spending some good time with Jesus this morning! Sitting out on the front verandah, drinking Coffee and eating Vegemite toast, reading Mathew. It seemed to me like the air was different, somehow grass was interesting.. The weariness and heavyness i'd been experiencing in the last few days wasn't bothering me so much. I just came away thinking about how amazing Jesus is.. Like something in my head was going 'Isn't he amazing??? I mean.. Really! Come on! He's incredible!' over and over and around and under and through my brain. It was really cool :)
I practically skipped down the street!
Anyway have to go
I won't be traveling to Sydney any more. While I'm glad the buisness I had there is finished, it does make me a bit sad.
I loved those monthy trips! Arriving late at night and wandering around Newtown, all colourfull and awake still at 11pm, on my way to a friends house. Or through Kings Cross, more colourfull still but strangely sobering, heading towards my favorite backpackers. There was a Cafe' just outside of this backpackers that I loved to go to.. THATS what I love about Sydney - Cafe's didn't close till 10. I'd sit there on my long black while they packed up around me, leaving at the last second.
This room I tried to get (because it was cheap) was big enough for a bed, a small fridge and a small TV. No windows, just a skylight. But I loved even THAT! I loved that it was cheap and I loved that I came home to a tiny, secure little sanctuary in Kings Cross.. Where nobody could even look in a window at me.
People would freak out when I mentioned I was staying in Kings Cross. I'm either brave or stupid.. Because I never felt too worried about being there alone.
And, for mobility, Trains.. Always, everywhere, Trains. (I feel like train journeys are somehow linked to my deliverance! It was through my love of train trips I ended up in Canowindra.. And my time in Canowindra changed my life. ) The interesting people on the trains, the full carriages completely silent, everybody plugged into Ipods or whatever. I was in a bus once where every single person, except this little old lady, had headphones in their ears. I was wondering what she was thinking and I was imagining what I would be thinking- 'What the hell happened?'
Anyway.. I've been sitting here for ages. I'm going to leave it at that.
-Hannah
I had a dream.
My mother was a witch. There was this house that somebody got killed in. There was this REALLY EVIL witch who stayed there. She was going to kill Mum. Mum was good, she looked so young and beautiful and etc. If Mum fought the witch and won, she would become the new EVIL witch. If she lost then somebody else would have to fight her and there would be a new evil witch regardless. So Mum went and there was this face off... But Mum convinced her to join with her and this other witch (a plump lady) and go and fight the head guy so they would be free of the curse. The evil witch deep down was a good woman, but the curse made her do evil things. So they were walking together towards the house, all in old style dresses, holding baskets, chatting gaily about what they would do with the house once they had broken the curse. Mum and the plump lady would live there together and have dogs and cats and tend the garden and etc. The other lady would go do something else. They arrive near the house and the plump lady is admiring a little cat being playful on the grass... They get to the fence and there is a gardener there with a spade and dirt on him. He stands up from tending the garden and looks at us. He has got a keen look, but it isn't abrasive. . says something like 'You've come back, and with purer motives than before.' Or something. There's more to this guy then meets the eye. I get the feeling like he is the guard or the gatekeeper or something. But I can't tell if he is good or bad. He has a little beard.
Then I woke up.
I was thinking about it last night and the more I think...... The reason I wasn't sure whether the gardener was good or bad was because I felt like he was really powerful. I felt like he could look right through me, see everything. It made me think of that verse 'the word of god is like a two edged sword.. etc' from.. somewhere (HA! I have bad memory.) I felt confused in the dream because I was thinking 'Ok, I'm not sure if this guy is good... Because he's tending the garden of this cursed house!' But then a bit later I got thinking about the heart. If I look at the house in the dream as being like the heart, the house was cursed because a horrible and evil thing happened there. In a way a heart can be 'cursed'. Because of the bigger thing of 'The Fall' or/and the things more specific to us as individuals. The heart can suffer horribly- Rape, rejection, lonliness... But does it mean that Jesus ceases to tend to the heart? I don't think so.
I don't want to over analyse this, but I do want to think about it. I think all of the figures in the dream represent something bigger than one thing or one person. I just want to clarify that..
So.. Then I think about the three women. There was Mum, all bright and nice - I rarely dream of Mum and when I do she never looks like she did in this dream. . There was the evil witch, who was actually good but cursed - she made me think of me actually. Not as in I literally am the evil witch.. But more that I sometimes feel the weight of the curse on humankind. Then there was the plump, jovial witch taking delight in everything...... I really don't know about her!
So thats my thoughts on it for now. I might think about it some more. I still have questions. What did the gardener mean when he talked about pure motives? Who was the plump lady?
Anyway :)
-Hannah
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