Monday, February 23, 2009

sydney no more

I won't be traveling to Sydney any more. While I'm glad the buisness I had there is finished, it does make me a bit sad.

I loved those monthy trips! Arriving late at night and wandering around Newtown, all colourfull and awake still at 11pm, on my way to a friends house. Or through Kings Cross, more colourfull still but strangely sobering, heading towards my favorite backpackers. There was a Cafe' just outside of this backpackers that I loved to go to.. THATS what I love about Sydney - Cafe's didn't close till 10. I'd sit there on my long black while they packed up around me, leaving at the last second.

This room I tried to get (because it was cheap) was big enough for a bed, a small fridge and a small TV. No windows, just a skylight. But I loved even THAT! I loved that it was cheap and I loved that I came home to a tiny, secure little sanctuary in Kings Cross.. Where nobody could even look in a window at me.

People would freak out when I mentioned I was staying in Kings Cross. I'm either brave or stupid.. Because I never felt too worried about being there alone.

And, for mobility, Trains.. Always, everywhere, Trains. (I feel like train journeys are somehow linked to my deliverance! It was through my love of train trips I ended up in Canowindra.. And my time in Canowindra changed my life. ) The interesting people on the trains, the full carriages completely silent, everybody plugged into Ipods or whatever. I was in a bus once where every single person, except this little old lady, had headphones in their ears. I was wondering what she was thinking and I was imagining what I would be thinking- 'What the hell happened?'

Anyway.. I've been sitting here for ages. I'm going to leave it at that.


Sunday, February 15, 2009

the heart

I had a dream.

My mother was a witch. There was this house that somebody got killed in. There was this REALLY EVIL witch who stayed there. She was going to kill Mum. Mum was good, she looked so young and beautiful and etc. If Mum fought the witch and won, she would become the new EVIL witch. If she lost then somebody else would have to fight her and there would be a new evil witch regardless. So Mum went and there was this face off... But Mum convinced her to join with her and this other witch (a plump lady) and go and fight the head guy so they would be free of the curse. The evil witch deep down was a good woman, but the curse made her do evil things. So they were walking together towards the house, all in old style dresses, holding baskets, chatting gaily about what they would do with the house once they had broken the curse. Mum and the plump lady would live there together and have dogs and cats and tend the garden and etc. The other lady would go do something else. They arrive near the house and the plump lady is admiring a little cat being playful on the grass... They get to the fence and there is a gardener there with a spade and dirt on him. He stands up from tending the garden and looks at us. He has got a keen look, but it isn't abrasive. . says something like 'You've come back, and with purer motives than before.' Or something. There's more to this guy then meets the eye. I get the feeling like he is the guard or the gatekeeper or something. But I can't tell if he is good or bad. He has a little beard.

Then I woke up.

I was thinking about it last night and the more I think...... The reason I wasn't sure whether the gardener was good or bad was because I felt like he was really powerful. I felt like he could look right through me, see everything. It made me think of that verse 'the word of god is like a two edged sword.. etc' from.. somewhere (HA! I have bad memory.) I felt confused in the dream because I was thinking 'Ok, I'm not sure if this guy is good... Because he's tending the garden of this cursed house!' But then a bit later I got thinking about the heart. If I look at the house in the dream as being like the heart, the house was cursed because a horrible and evil thing happened there. In a way a heart can be 'cursed'. Because of the bigger thing of 'The Fall' or/and the things more specific to us as individuals. The heart can suffer horribly- Rape, rejection, lonliness... But does it mean that Jesus ceases to tend to the heart? I don't think so.

I don't want to over analyse this, but I do want to think about it. I think all of the figures in the dream represent something bigger than one thing or one person. I just want to clarify that..

So.. Then I think about the three women. There was Mum, all bright and nice - I rarely dream of Mum and when I do she never looks like she did in this dream. . There was the evil witch, who was actually good but cursed - she made me think of me actually. Not as in I literally am the evil witch.. But more that I sometimes feel the weight of the curse on humankind. Then there was the plump, jovial witch taking delight in everything...... I really don't know about her!

So thats my thoughts on it for now. I might think about it some more. I still have questions. What did the gardener mean when he talked about pure motives? Who was the plump lady?

Anyway :)