weddings

I went to a wedding a while ago. I remembered late that you're supposed to get dressed up nicely for Weddings. If you looked through my drawers you'd have a tough time finding anything dressy. Things actually classified as 'dresses' include:- a white bowls dress, a spotty wrap around thing that is too big, a cocktail dress with pictures of little chickens all over it, and a greenish dress depicting a jungle-ish sort of scene..

So I went and asked a friend for help. It was perfect. She immediately threw a pair of shoes and a beautiful dress it into my arms. I'd just finished climbing awkwardly into my outfit before she advanced on me with hoop earings. I had to re-pierce one of my ears myself.. I made straining noises like I was giving birth until the painful 'pop' sound of breaking skin announced I'd made it brutishly through. My ears throbbed while she applied eyeshadow, talking all the while, instructing me so I'd know how to do it for myself on the actual day. Luckily for me she said my hair would look just fine left out and not bothered too much.. But she gave me some sort of.. gel.. stuff if it needed any coaxing.

It was a beautiful wedding... At the reception everybody had a little tiny bell and they had only to ring it and the couple were obliged to kiss. What power!!! Almost too much for me to handle...

I got dropped at a train station afterwards. About 30 seconds after the car was out of sight I realised I didn't have my wallet. My phone was on one bar of power. I was very far from Home. I'll write out the full story some time.. But I basically jumped a few trains and a bus and walked an hour in the rain to get home.

The next morning the Taxi didn't show up to take me to the station to get on my train back to Cootamundra. I rang and ordered another one that pulled into the station 3 minutes after it left..So I missed it. And I'd just spent my last $10. Luckily friends of mine hadn't yet left Melbourne for Dubbo so I called them. They had an extra seat so I jumped another 2 trains and scabbed a lift.

On the drive my friend Laura and I talked about if it were possible to put bumps on the road that when you drove over them made sounds of different pitches. Like a big record.. And if you could.. could you make a song?

Thats all I'll write for now.

I keep dreaming that i'm trying to tell someone that i'm in trouble- like i've been kidnapped or similar- but the person i'm trying to tell wont believe me.

Im in a park under a tree. I've been here so long not only is my bum numb but most of my back. I'm scared that when i try to stand up i will fall over! Here goes..

My therapist cancelled our appointment so I bought a guitar instead...

And I sat in the park playing it. I was singing Amazing Grace when a middle-aged man came and sat nearby and started talking to me.
'....I think life is about more than following a man.. Just a man. I don't think he was God. He was just a man. I think life is a bit more mysterious than that.'
'Jesus was pretty mysterious'
'How?'
'He said some pretty mysterious things...'
'Like what?'
'"I am the bread of life." I mean.. what does that mean??'
'Well he was just a man......' And he changed the subject.

Then, as I walked back towards Davids office a saw these two guys standing on the street. One was handing out small white booklets, the other was speaking to the space in front of him at a level barely audible. I heard the occasional word. 'Sinner', '..who came to..', 'saviour'
I took one of the little books and I flicked through it. Then I gave it back to the speaking man. 'You know him already?' he said almost tonelessly, cutting off his monologue mid-word and looking at me. I nodded and replied 'just interested to see what the book said.' He replied in a louder voice 'God Bless you! God bless you!' and then continued talking to the Main Street of Orange, without taking a breathe.

urban arctic

I set out 2 hours ago on what I thought would be a quick trip down the street to get a couple of things scanned. The place I was looking for was a little further than I thought. 'No worrys.. I'll just be a little late back.' After another 15 minutes of walking I stop and look around. 'Where am I anyway?' I ask a man on the street. I'm supposed to be one street over. It starts to rain. A little worried about the stuff I've got to get scanned getting wet, I try my best to tuck it into my jacket.
As I walk I imagine terrible senarios - the wind blows it out of my hands into a puddle, the rain soaks thouh my jacket- and I have to explain to someone how I accidently ruined the artwork entrusted to my care. The jacket scenario is most likely. It gives little protection but theres not a lot I can do about it.
I'm on the right street now but I cant find this place. I duck into a coffee shop to ask to use their yellow pages. Standing awkwardly in line quite obviosly much wetter then everybody else there. A man gives me his spot in the cue. I also order a flat white. The chick asks for my money and I spend a while fishing around for my wallet only to find that I have no money. 'Can I still use the yellow pages?' No.. Turns out they dont have one after all. They do point out that there is a post office over the road and I can find a yellow pages there. Didn't notice that before.. Maybe I was just a little too happy for an excuse to buy a coffee. I'd left the office onthis adventure before the coffee I ordered had arrived. It would be cold by now.
After finding the right address I start on what I'm not sure is the right direction. The rain changes to hail. I start laughing to myself about how ridiculous this is becoming. I am getting really, really wet. Little piles of hail sit on my shoulders. I think there could be mud inside my shos.
I keep walking untill 15 minutes later I find the place. I push my way past the glass door, smudging it a bit and finally arrive in the warm office. I stand there stupidly, clutching the precious pictures still inside my wet jacket, dripping and sniffling. The receptionist just stares at me and I hear someone in another room say ''Oo shes drenched!". A man comes out and looks at me like I'm an alien. "I got lost" I say to him for some reason and begin to distract myself by looking at the decorations of the office. Theres a selection of cheesy posters that say things like 'Dont worry, be happy'. Im surprised not to see a picture of a kitten holding for dear life onto a piece of rope with the words 'Hang in there' underneath. The receptionist and the man, bald, tall and looking pretty 80's, stop studying me after a while and I finally ask them about scanning the pictures. Turns out they're not what I was looking for. I'm beyond caring at this point, so I just smile and leave.
I make it halfway back to the office when it starts snowing.

Tax

I'm going to attempt to do my Tax today...

an ethical reflection

I used to work for a Café chain called Michelle's Patisserie. We, like every other coffee shop, have the customer loyalty cards that give you a free 6th or 8th coffee or whatever if you collect enough stamps. A woman came in one day to claim her free coffee.. Handing me the card. I put it straight into my pocket thinking quickly that I could use it later to claim a free coffee at another Michelle's. I thought for a second that it might not be honest.. But then decided Michelle's we're rich enough to deal with it. It wasn't hurting anybody. I ignored the niggling in the back of my brain for a while and kept busy with work.. But it kept on not sitting right. Why did I feel guilty? Somehow, regardless of whether or not it was going to hurt someone, I knew it was wrong to do it.


It remind me now of that thing (Law of Nature?) C.S Lewis talks about at the start of Mere Christianity. Is that conscience? Or something deeper and outside of it.. Because if it's true that a conscience can be educated I don't think that's what it is. I can only say it was something to do with God. That ultimate right and good that we stepped out of sync with in the fall. It's like when you can hear an instrument playing out of time with the drummer.. I think sometimes we can feel when we're out of time with God somehow.


In that situation as far as decision making goes I think for starters the (surface) results let me to decide to take the card. But then something (maybe conscience, maybe not) spoke louder than results and changed my mind. What's interesting is in doing this assignment I'm can also see that results at a deeper level also spoke against taking the card. The long term results of little acts of dishonesty are pretty serious. They affect my relationship with God, they affect the sort of person I become and where I end up when I die! They're all pretty huge things. So! The outcome of using results to make a decision can vary depending on how deep you go! And really, it is quite impossible to know all the results of one decision. I would try not to rely on it alone.


In fact I'd try not to rely on any one method alone. They all have their limitations. If consciences can be educated you can't just say 'Everyone.. No matter what just do what your conscience says.' I mean.. That sounds good.. But if you've got a Man who has no problem stepping over a beggar on the street because he was always told these people brought it on themselves. Or a Muslim who doesn't struggle with the thought of a Homosexual being killed for who they are. They could be poor examples but they're things I disagree with... Which shows that consciences are going to conflict!


So- we can't avoid consciences being educated. As a Christian I think the best way to educate a conscience is through living in Co-operation with the Holy Spirit and studying the scriptures – trying to take what they teach a reality in your life. Easier said than done.


Some things in the bible confuse me and I'm really not sure how comfortable I would be trying to follow some of it. Maybe that's a place where the Spirit steps in to help give clarity and understanding of where it is or isn't that appropriate to me. I should try to be praying to be open to the Spirit's leading and working hard to be listening to it. And in all of this seeking first the kingdom. Making love the centre of everything I do..


Privatisation/Individualism – Faith as a private matter, each individual defines their set of values, beliefs, morality etc...

I think I sometimes tend to have the attitude (with some things) that people are O.K to think what they want. Who am I to tell them what to do or think? But maybe not to the degree that most people do – because I really believe in the bigger truth greater than anything. That truth that we're out of step with and need to get back in step with!


So naturally the two rub up against each other when I think about Mission. I start telling myself not to be a boof head, leave people alone, their beliefs are none of my business. But Jesus tells me it IS my business. He's the one who's giving me the mission. If I really loved these people the way he wants me to then I can't be laissez-faire.


There's something so isolating about Individualism too.. A bunch of people living near each other, working with each other etc. but still soo.. separate. Maybe I'm wrong, I dunno. And also if it's just you and your beliefs with your own authority.. where are your boundaries? There are none really.. And a world full of boundary-less people is scary to me. And we cant rely on universal 'tolerance' either. Anti-tolerance can be a good thing – There are things that shouldn't be tolerated!


Thinking particularly of the compartmentalisation that results from Secularisation, I can definitely see where that's been part of my life. Before I really became a Christian I learned how to compartmentalise my life. And it's a bloody hard habit to get out of. This is Hannah at Church. This is Hannah out on a Friday night.. And it worked! Church Hannah and Friday night Hannah believed different things, had different morals so either could do what they liked. These two didn't like each other.. They weren't on speaking terms. It was easier.. But being a living contradiction is not healthy way to live!


It reminds me of a part in Harry Potter (heh) where the Voldermort has found a way to split his soul into pieces.. and each time he does it the more distorted as a man he gets.. Further and further from human. It feels like the same thing.. Something in me being split.. Each time I become a little less real and a little more blurred.


It makes me sad to see the isolation that individualism has created in our society. People seem lonely.


- Hannah

winter of 2008

So I haven't posted in a while. I just bought a bunch of 2nd hand books. I've read them before but I want to own them so I can read them to my kids if I have any!

I wonder sometimes, well quite ofter really, if I'm living up to the goals I set at the start of the year.. Particularly the doing study regularly and getting to know people in the town goals. Study isn't really happening- partly from lack of self discipline, partly because of being really busy with work and my brain just being mush at the end of the day.

I am getting to know people in the town. There were these two chicks I was hanging out or at least seeing a bit regularly a while back but things have sort of evaporated a bit with my being so busy with work or going to Sydney all the time. There were a few months where I went away every fortnight somewhere or other- Sydney, Newcastle, Dubbo, Broken Hill or Swan Hill..

I'm really enjoying the way things are going at the moment but am I supposed to feel guilty about the relationships I haven't been able to keep up? Because I do. I feel as though I'm not being a 'good' missionary. I don't know. When am I doing too little? When is it 'enough'? That seems to me like a really backwards way of looking at the whole thing.

So anyway today I'm hoping to gets some study done. Exegesis to be exact.

-Hannah

There's a photo in this backpackers that looks like canowindra. i'm sure it is.

No Subject

What?

The freeway flows chaotic.

The freeway flows chaotic.

I made a last minute dash across the street to get change for $50.
'I can't take that.' The driver had said when I presented it to him.

The young clerk at the bookshop across the street fumbled with the
jangling keys to the register. 'That's my bus just there', I'd said,
pointing and smiling, hoping he'd get the implied encouragement to be as
quick as possible. He didn't. And I could see the line of people
boarding was getting smaller.

My whole 8 hour trip to Sydney could end up being a waste of time if
that bus leaves without me on it. It's amazing that I manage to get
anywhere. I think the only reason I've made it this far must be God.
There's too many things (like bus driver's not taking $50) that I don't
even think about. Yet somehow it almost always turns out alright. Deep,
deep down (at this point) I'm not yet freaking out..

The clerk searches for the right key, rejecting some outright, trying
others. All the while I'm shifting my weight from foot to foot in an
impatient dance, flicking my phone open and shut. He gets it open
finally, mumbling as his fingers slip on the notes he is trying to get
the out of the drawer. Cynical memories of skill testers with their uselessly
clumsy metal claws come to mind. Eventually he gets it and I make it
back to the bus just as the last of the line is on board. A man is
smiling at me, apparently amused at my mad dash and i'm thinking to myself
'Yes. It's all very funny isn't it.'

On the bus. I look out the window. Where am I? Is this even the right bus?

Oh No.. I notice that the elderly woman who just got boarded has her shirt on
inside out I hate situations like this. I instantly feel like I should
tell her. But does she already know? Is she bursting to find somewhere
to fix it at this very moment, hoping nobody will notice and that if
they do they might think it's a new elderly lady's fashion? And if I do
tell her, how do I do it without causing embarasment? Or seeming
patronising or disrespectful? I could quietly tell her as I got off the
bus? I could slip her a note? Maybe she will get off at my stop? I don't know
if it is just me or whether it's a female thing to sit and figure out every
possible outcome of each action.. But sometimes its a real pain the the neck.
I think about it for so long that I run out of time to do anything. It's my stop.
I have get off. I feel guilty. But ah! I see that she's getting up! I'll just
tell her when we're off the bus. She shuffles slowly towards the door and I jump
off at the back, moving to wait for her at the front. But she doesn't hop off.
She sit's back down in another seat. The door closes and the bus drives away..
'Shit.'

Lyrical reflection

Never thought of this

Such a time as now
I'd be a hypocrite
to turn back now
Waste of space and time
I had an apathetic mind
until I got found out
Opportunity
it saw the very worst in me
and quickly got me out

Any resemblance to Coincidence
Can safely be ignored

If I try to tell you
it was my idea
If I try to behave
As if I wasn't scared
It would be a lie
I think that I would chose an option
less defined by fear
But it's too late now
to pretend all of this is how
I planned to spend the year

Any resemblance to Coincidence
Can safely be ignored..

Ebb and Flow

The pulse. The ebb and flow. The frogger-like intercity navigation.

"Don't make a choice! Make love to both of them!" A man calls at us.

Sitting in a Korean restaraunt. It's reminding me of China.. You can't hear the roar of the city here. Only the sounds of plates or bowls bumping one another and the multi-lingual voices of other customers. Korean music plays in the background. This is a quiet sanctuary tucked between dirty sky scrapers. We peer over a wall at a man mixing some Kimchi in a giant red bucket in the alleyway beside the restaurant. I don't know if he knows he is being watched... But we know he is...

Korean food is amazing. In fact Koreans in general are pretty amazing! The ones I was living with were pretty resourceful. If I was cutting the fat off some bacon or meat off a bone they wanted me to save it for them so they could use it for something! So I'd put it into a little bowl in the fridge, covered in Gladwrap. Maybe all Koreans aren't like this, but these ones didn't waste anything compared to the Aus people also living with us! Hey, maybe more people are like this than I realise.

My room mate broke her sandals pretty badly. She could afford to buy new ones but she chose instead to glue them back in place. It took her ages but eventually they we're as good as new. She only had two pairs of shoes. I think I might have eight. And I wear maybe.. three of those eight pairs?

You get the drift I suppose..

I'm back now in my Country town. You can see the end of it - the rolling green hills , their backs covered with vineyards, the damaged and repaired road winding it's way through Gumtrees and other trees - from the roof. Actually I might go sit up there now.

Redistribution

I like the title of this Blog. "Redistribution". I think it's a good way to describe what is currently happening to all the people I've been living with this past year. First they were gathered, then shuffled carefully over 12 months and now they're about to be dealt out - redistributed to new places. Meanwhile the omnipotent hand of the dealer has already reached for the next pile of cards... Drawing it towards the table to undergo the same process.

I'm not trying to call life a game :) But hey who knows.. Maybe it is... But not a pointless one. A purposefully, carefully and joyfully played one. I don't know. To say it's not a game (to me) seems to take something away. Anyway... All of this to tell you that things are changing are here! The Old students are packed up and leaving and a new group have come.

One thing I notice about myself when I'm suddenly in a big group of people I don't know very well is that I get a little insecure. I seem to need to make sure that everyone gets in their brains the 'sort of person I am'. So I speak louder and more often. I make more jokes, stealing quick glances at the newcomers to check if they're laughing. I take more care in what I wear. If I pick up an instrument (which is pretty normal for me) I pick the most popular songs I know or the most difficult to play.
"Ahhh.." They say. "Yes.. This girl is worthy..She passes the test."
I could keep this up all day..