Wednesday, September 8, 2010


Things are starting to speed up over my way. Assignments deadlines are trickling steadily in.. Some floating past unattended to. I had one due on Monday I got an extension for as i've been pretty crook for about the last month with an antibiotic resistant infection of some sort.. It turned into pneumonia but I'm on the right drugs now and starting to feel stacks better! Which is tops!

Another was due today that I didn't get an extension for in time. It will just have to be late. Both of these assignments are essays. Something in me just doesn't cope with writing essays. I love and enjoy working really hard on my other design assignments.. Ones that involve creating something or developing a concept or whatever but essays just make me want to throw myself on the floor like a child and start screaming in protest! How can I overcome this? How can I develop the discipline necessary? How can I switch off that voice of protest in my head and concentrate?

A part of it is fear I bet. Just being scared of having to form coherent sentences, spell correctly and use punctuation appropriately. I know it sounds crazy but it's true! It's just not stuff I feel confident about!

A part of it is also an anxiety related to my understanding of the question. Feeling like I don't understand the question sends me into an irrational and disabling panic followed by a mess of self-pity. "i must be a complete idiot not to understand this." There is nothing quite like the frustration that comes with really wanting to do your job but not knowing what it is..

Anywho.. All the fear and anxiety really isn't doing me any favours. Does worrying ever help? All I can do is manageable chunks and ask questions, not give panic room to move, stay rational and remember that I'm still okay and worth something as a person even if I'm terrible at writing essays. Lowering expectations couldn't hurt too I guess.

It is 3am and I have stopped working, I'm going to sleep..


jazzyk said...

oh poor hanwen.. it really was a late night :p
I don't know if I find them quite as debilitating as you do, but still I'd rather swap an essay for any other type of assignment, ever!!

jazzyk said...

you can do it my dear!!
what I like to tell myself is 'it's ok to do a crap job, just damn well write something down!' lol

Kathrzn Bahn said...

I showed this film to my Year Nine class today. Skip to the song at the end and learn it on guitar and sing it to motivate yourself!

I love you.

Kathrzn Bahn said...