an ethical reflection

I used to work for a Café chain called Michelle's Patisserie. We, like every other coffee shop, have the customer loyalty cards that give you a free 6th or 8th coffee or whatever if you collect enough stamps. A woman came in one day to claim her free coffee.. Handing me the card. I put it straight into my pocket thinking quickly that I could use it later to claim a free coffee at another Michelle's. I thought for a second that it might not be honest.. But then decided Michelle's we're rich enough to deal with it. It wasn't hurting anybody. I ignored the niggling in the back of my brain for a while and kept busy with work.. But it kept on not sitting right. Why did I feel guilty? Somehow, regardless of whether or not it was going to hurt someone, I knew it was wrong to do it.


It remind me now of that thing (Law of Nature?) C.S Lewis talks about at the start of Mere Christianity. Is that conscience? Or something deeper and outside of it.. Because if it's true that a conscience can be educated I don't think that's what it is. I can only say it was something to do with God. That ultimate right and good that we stepped out of sync with in the fall. It's like when you can hear an instrument playing out of time with the drummer.. I think sometimes we can feel when we're out of time with God somehow.


In that situation as far as decision making goes I think for starters the (surface) results let me to decide to take the card. But then something (maybe conscience, maybe not) spoke louder than results and changed my mind. What's interesting is in doing this assignment I'm can also see that results at a deeper level also spoke against taking the card. The long term results of little acts of dishonesty are pretty serious. They affect my relationship with God, they affect the sort of person I become and where I end up when I die! They're all pretty huge things. So! The outcome of using results to make a decision can vary depending on how deep you go! And really, it is quite impossible to know all the results of one decision. I would try not to rely on it alone.


In fact I'd try not to rely on any one method alone. They all have their limitations. If consciences can be educated you can't just say 'Everyone.. No matter what just do what your conscience says.' I mean.. That sounds good.. But if you've got a Man who has no problem stepping over a beggar on the street because he was always told these people brought it on themselves. Or a Muslim who doesn't struggle with the thought of a Homosexual being killed for who they are. They could be poor examples but they're things I disagree with... Which shows that consciences are going to conflict!


So- we can't avoid consciences being educated. As a Christian I think the best way to educate a conscience is through living in Co-operation with the Holy Spirit and studying the scriptures – trying to take what they teach a reality in your life. Easier said than done.


Some things in the bible confuse me and I'm really not sure how comfortable I would be trying to follow some of it. Maybe that's a place where the Spirit steps in to help give clarity and understanding of where it is or isn't that appropriate to me. I should try to be praying to be open to the Spirit's leading and working hard to be listening to it. And in all of this seeking first the kingdom. Making love the centre of everything I do..


Privatisation/Individualism – Faith as a private matter, each individual defines their set of values, beliefs, morality etc...

I think I sometimes tend to have the attitude (with some things) that people are O.K to think what they want. Who am I to tell them what to do or think? But maybe not to the degree that most people do – because I really believe in the bigger truth greater than anything. That truth that we're out of step with and need to get back in step with!


So naturally the two rub up against each other when I think about Mission. I start telling myself not to be a boof head, leave people alone, their beliefs are none of my business. But Jesus tells me it IS my business. He's the one who's giving me the mission. If I really loved these people the way he wants me to then I can't be laissez-faire.


There's something so isolating about Individualism too.. A bunch of people living near each other, working with each other etc. but still soo.. separate. Maybe I'm wrong, I dunno. And also if it's just you and your beliefs with your own authority.. where are your boundaries? There are none really.. And a world full of boundary-less people is scary to me. And we cant rely on universal 'tolerance' either. Anti-tolerance can be a good thing – There are things that shouldn't be tolerated!


Thinking particularly of the compartmentalisation that results from Secularisation, I can definitely see where that's been part of my life. Before I really became a Christian I learned how to compartmentalise my life. And it's a bloody hard habit to get out of. This is Hannah at Church. This is Hannah out on a Friday night.. And it worked! Church Hannah and Friday night Hannah believed different things, had different morals so either could do what they liked. These two didn't like each other.. They weren't on speaking terms. It was easier.. But being a living contradiction is not healthy way to live!


It reminds me of a part in Harry Potter (heh) where the Voldermort has found a way to split his soul into pieces.. and each time he does it the more distorted as a man he gets.. Further and further from human. It feels like the same thing.. Something in me being split.. Each time I become a little less real and a little more blurred.


It makes me sad to see the isolation that individualism has created in our society. People seem lonely.


- Hannah

winter of 2008

So I haven't posted in a while. I just bought a bunch of 2nd hand books. I've read them before but I want to own them so I can read them to my kids if I have any!

I wonder sometimes, well quite ofter really, if I'm living up to the goals I set at the start of the year.. Particularly the doing study regularly and getting to know people in the town goals. Study isn't really happening- partly from lack of self discipline, partly because of being really busy with work and my brain just being mush at the end of the day.

I am getting to know people in the town. There were these two chicks I was hanging out or at least seeing a bit regularly a while back but things have sort of evaporated a bit with my being so busy with work or going to Sydney all the time. There were a few months where I went away every fortnight somewhere or other- Sydney, Newcastle, Dubbo, Broken Hill or Swan Hill..

I'm really enjoying the way things are going at the moment but am I supposed to feel guilty about the relationships I haven't been able to keep up? Because I do. I feel as though I'm not being a 'good' missionary. I don't know. When am I doing too little? When is it 'enough'? That seems to me like a really backwards way of looking at the whole thing.

So anyway today I'm hoping to gets some study done. Exegesis to be exact.

-Hannah

There's a photo in this backpackers that looks like canowindra. i'm sure it is.

No Subject

What?

The freeway flows chaotic.

The freeway flows chaotic.

I made a last minute dash across the street to get change for $50.
'I can't take that.' The driver had said when I presented it to him.

The young clerk at the bookshop across the street fumbled with the
jangling keys to the register. 'That's my bus just there', I'd said,
pointing and smiling, hoping he'd get the implied encouragement to be as
quick as possible. He didn't. And I could see the line of people
boarding was getting smaller.

My whole 8 hour trip to Sydney could end up being a waste of time if
that bus leaves without me on it. It's amazing that I manage to get
anywhere. I think the only reason I've made it this far must be God.
There's too many things (like bus driver's not taking $50) that I don't
even think about. Yet somehow it almost always turns out alright. Deep,
deep down (at this point) I'm not yet freaking out..

The clerk searches for the right key, rejecting some outright, trying
others. All the while I'm shifting my weight from foot to foot in an
impatient dance, flicking my phone open and shut. He gets it open
finally, mumbling as his fingers slip on the notes he is trying to get
the out of the drawer. Cynical memories of skill testers with their uselessly
clumsy metal claws come to mind. Eventually he gets it and I make it
back to the bus just as the last of the line is on board. A man is
smiling at me, apparently amused at my mad dash and i'm thinking to myself
'Yes. It's all very funny isn't it.'

On the bus. I look out the window. Where am I? Is this even the right bus?

Oh No.. I notice that the elderly woman who just got boarded has her shirt on
inside out I hate situations like this. I instantly feel like I should
tell her. But does she already know? Is she bursting to find somewhere
to fix it at this very moment, hoping nobody will notice and that if
they do they might think it's a new elderly lady's fashion? And if I do
tell her, how do I do it without causing embarasment? Or seeming
patronising or disrespectful? I could quietly tell her as I got off the
bus? I could slip her a note? Maybe she will get off at my stop? I don't know
if it is just me or whether it's a female thing to sit and figure out every
possible outcome of each action.. But sometimes its a real pain the the neck.
I think about it for so long that I run out of time to do anything. It's my stop.
I have get off. I feel guilty. But ah! I see that she's getting up! I'll just
tell her when we're off the bus. She shuffles slowly towards the door and I jump
off at the back, moving to wait for her at the front. But she doesn't hop off.
She sit's back down in another seat. The door closes and the bus drives away..
'Shit.'

Lyrical reflection

Never thought of this

Such a time as now
I'd be a hypocrite
to turn back now
Waste of space and time
I had an apathetic mind
until I got found out
Opportunity
it saw the very worst in me
and quickly got me out

Any resemblance to Coincidence
Can safely be ignored

If I try to tell you
it was my idea
If I try to behave
As if I wasn't scared
It would be a lie
I think that I would chose an option
less defined by fear
But it's too late now
to pretend all of this is how
I planned to spend the year

Any resemblance to Coincidence
Can safely be ignored..

Ebb and Flow

The pulse. The ebb and flow. The frogger-like intercity navigation.

"Don't make a choice! Make love to both of them!" A man calls at us.

Sitting in a Korean restaraunt. It's reminding me of China.. You can't hear the roar of the city here. Only the sounds of plates or bowls bumping one another and the multi-lingual voices of other customers. Korean music plays in the background. This is a quiet sanctuary tucked between dirty sky scrapers. We peer over a wall at a man mixing some Kimchi in a giant red bucket in the alleyway beside the restaurant. I don't know if he knows he is being watched... But we know he is...

Korean food is amazing. In fact Koreans in general are pretty amazing! The ones I was living with were pretty resourceful. If I was cutting the fat off some bacon or meat off a bone they wanted me to save it for them so they could use it for something! So I'd put it into a little bowl in the fridge, covered in Gladwrap. Maybe all Koreans aren't like this, but these ones didn't waste anything compared to the Aus people also living with us! Hey, maybe more people are like this than I realise.

My room mate broke her sandals pretty badly. She could afford to buy new ones but she chose instead to glue them back in place. It took her ages but eventually they we're as good as new. She only had two pairs of shoes. I think I might have eight. And I wear maybe.. three of those eight pairs?

You get the drift I suppose..

I'm back now in my Country town. You can see the end of it - the rolling green hills , their backs covered with vineyards, the damaged and repaired road winding it's way through Gumtrees and other trees - from the roof. Actually I might go sit up there now.