happy!

I don't know if it's the caffeine in my blood, that I filled out the St Albans Folk festival volunteer form and got pepped up or whether I got to drink Chai Tea this morning for the first time in ages.. But I feel excited about life today! I'm not usually un-excited.. But today I just feel zippy!

Actually I think it is MOSTLY due to spending some good time with Jesus this morning! Sitting out on the front verandah, drinking Coffee and eating Vegemite toast, reading Mathew. It seemed to me like the air was different, somehow grass was interesting.. The weariness and heavyness i'd been experiencing in the last few days wasn't bothering me so much. I just came away thinking about how amazing Jesus is.. Like something in my head was going 'Isn't he amazing??? I mean.. Really! Come on! He's incredible!' over and over and around and under and through my brain. It was really cool :)

I practically skipped down the street!

Anyway have to go

sydney no more

I won't be traveling to Sydney any more. While I'm glad the buisness I had there is finished, it does make me a bit sad.

I loved those monthy trips! Arriving late at night and wandering around Newtown, all colourfull and awake still at 11pm, on my way to a friends house. Or through Kings Cross, more colourfull still but strangely sobering, heading towards my favorite backpackers. There was a Cafe' just outside of this backpackers that I loved to go to.. THATS what I love about Sydney - Cafe's didn't close till 10. I'd sit there on my long black while they packed up around me, leaving at the last second.

This room I tried to get (because it was cheap) was big enough for a bed, a small fridge and a small TV. No windows, just a skylight. But I loved even THAT! I loved that it was cheap and I loved that I came home to a tiny, secure little sanctuary in Kings Cross.. Where nobody could even look in a window at me.

People would freak out when I mentioned I was staying in Kings Cross. I'm either brave or stupid.. Because I never felt too worried about being there alone.

And, for mobility, Trains.. Always, everywhere, Trains. (I feel like train journeys are somehow linked to my deliverance! It was through my love of train trips I ended up in Canowindra.. And my time in Canowindra changed my life. ) The interesting people on the trains, the full carriages completely silent, everybody plugged into Ipods or whatever. I was in a bus once where every single person, except this little old lady, had headphones in their ears. I was wondering what she was thinking and I was imagining what I would be thinking- 'What the hell happened?'

Anyway.. I've been sitting here for ages. I'm going to leave it at that.

-Hannah

the heart

I had a dream.

My mother was a witch. There was this house that somebody got killed in. There was this REALLY EVIL witch who stayed there. She was going to kill Mum. Mum was good, she looked so young and beautiful and etc. If Mum fought the witch and won, she would become the new EVIL witch. If she lost then somebody else would have to fight her and there would be a new evil witch regardless. So Mum went and there was this face off... But Mum convinced her to join with her and this other witch (a plump lady) and go and fight the head guy so they would be free of the curse. The evil witch deep down was a good woman, but the curse made her do evil things. So they were walking together towards the house, all in old style dresses, holding baskets, chatting gaily about what they would do with the house once they had broken the curse. Mum and the plump lady would live there together and have dogs and cats and tend the garden and etc. The other lady would go do something else. They arrive near the house and the plump lady is admiring a little cat being playful on the grass... They get to the fence and there is a gardener there with a spade and dirt on him. He stands up from tending the garden and looks at us. He has got a keen look, but it isn't abrasive. . says something like 'You've come back, and with purer motives than before.' Or something. There's more to this guy then meets the eye. I get the feeling like he is the guard or the gatekeeper or something. But I can't tell if he is good or bad. He has a little beard.

Then I woke up.

I was thinking about it last night and the more I think...... The reason I wasn't sure whether the gardener was good or bad was because I felt like he was really powerful. I felt like he could look right through me, see everything. It made me think of that verse 'the word of god is like a two edged sword.. etc' from.. somewhere (HA! I have bad memory.) I felt confused in the dream because I was thinking 'Ok, I'm not sure if this guy is good... Because he's tending the garden of this cursed house!' But then a bit later I got thinking about the heart. If I look at the house in the dream as being like the heart, the house was cursed because a horrible and evil thing happened there. In a way a heart can be 'cursed'. Because of the bigger thing of 'The Fall' or/and the things more specific to us as individuals. The heart can suffer horribly- Rape, rejection, lonliness... But does it mean that Jesus ceases to tend to the heart? I don't think so.

I don't want to over analyse this, but I do want to think about it. I think all of the figures in the dream represent something bigger than one thing or one person. I just want to clarify that..

So.. Then I think about the three women. There was Mum, all bright and nice - I rarely dream of Mum and when I do she never looks like she did in this dream. . There was the evil witch, who was actually good but cursed - she made me think of me actually. Not as in I literally am the evil witch.. But more that I sometimes feel the weight of the curse on humankind. Then there was the plump, jovial witch taking delight in everything...... I really don't know about her!

So thats my thoughts on it for now. I might think about it some more. I still have questions. What did the gardener mean when he talked about pure motives? Who was the plump lady?

Anyway :)
-Hannah

weddings

I went to a wedding a while ago. I remembered late that you're supposed to get dressed up nicely for Weddings. If you looked through my drawers you'd have a tough time finding anything dressy. Things actually classified as 'dresses' include:- a white bowls dress, a spotty wrap around thing that is too big, a cocktail dress with pictures of little chickens all over it, and a greenish dress depicting a jungle-ish sort of scene..

So I went and asked a friend for help. It was perfect. She immediately threw a pair of shoes and a beautiful dress it into my arms. I'd just finished climbing awkwardly into my outfit before she advanced on me with hoop earings. I had to re-pierce one of my ears myself.. I made straining noises like I was giving birth until the painful 'pop' sound of breaking skin announced I'd made it brutishly through. My ears throbbed while she applied eyeshadow, talking all the while, instructing me so I'd know how to do it for myself on the actual day. Luckily for me she said my hair would look just fine left out and not bothered too much.. But she gave me some sort of.. gel.. stuff if it needed any coaxing.

It was a beautiful wedding... At the reception everybody had a little tiny bell and they had only to ring it and the couple were obliged to kiss. What power!!! Almost too much for me to handle...

I got dropped at a train station afterwards. About 30 seconds after the car was out of sight I realised I didn't have my wallet. My phone was on one bar of power. I was very far from Home. I'll write out the full story some time.. But I basically jumped a few trains and a bus and walked an hour in the rain to get home.

The next morning the Taxi didn't show up to take me to the station to get on my train back to Cootamundra. I rang and ordered another one that pulled into the station 3 minutes after it left..So I missed it. And I'd just spent my last $10. Luckily friends of mine hadn't yet left Melbourne for Dubbo so I called them. They had an extra seat so I jumped another 2 trains and scabbed a lift.

On the drive my friend Laura and I talked about if it were possible to put bumps on the road that when you drove over them made sounds of different pitches. Like a big record.. And if you could.. could you make a song?

Thats all I'll write for now.

I keep dreaming that i'm trying to tell someone that i'm in trouble- like i've been kidnapped or similar- but the person i'm trying to tell wont believe me.

Im in a park under a tree. I've been here so long not only is my bum numb but most of my back. I'm scared that when i try to stand up i will fall over! Here goes..

My therapist cancelled our appointment so I bought a guitar instead...

And I sat in the park playing it. I was singing Amazing Grace when a middle-aged man came and sat nearby and started talking to me.
'....I think life is about more than following a man.. Just a man. I don't think he was God. He was just a man. I think life is a bit more mysterious than that.'
'Jesus was pretty mysterious'
'How?'
'He said some pretty mysterious things...'
'Like what?'
'"I am the bread of life." I mean.. what does that mean??'
'Well he was just a man......' And he changed the subject.

Then, as I walked back towards Davids office a saw these two guys standing on the street. One was handing out small white booklets, the other was speaking to the space in front of him at a level barely audible. I heard the occasional word. 'Sinner', '..who came to..', 'saviour'
I took one of the little books and I flicked through it. Then I gave it back to the speaking man. 'You know him already?' he said almost tonelessly, cutting off his monologue mid-word and looking at me. I nodded and replied 'just interested to see what the book said.' He replied in a louder voice 'God Bless you! God bless you!' and then continued talking to the Main Street of Orange, without taking a breathe.