winter of 2008

So I haven't posted in a while. I just bought a bunch of 2nd hand books. I've read them before but I want to own them so I can read them to my kids if I have any!

I wonder sometimes, well quite ofter really, if I'm living up to the goals I set at the start of the year.. Particularly the doing study regularly and getting to know people in the town goals. Study isn't really happening- partly from lack of self discipline, partly because of being really busy with work and my brain just being mush at the end of the day.

I am getting to know people in the town. There were these two chicks I was hanging out or at least seeing a bit regularly a while back but things have sort of evaporated a bit with my being so busy with work or going to Sydney all the time. There were a few months where I went away every fortnight somewhere or other- Sydney, Newcastle, Dubbo, Broken Hill or Swan Hill..

I'm really enjoying the way things are going at the moment but am I supposed to feel guilty about the relationships I haven't been able to keep up? Because I do. I feel as though I'm not being a 'good' missionary. I don't know. When am I doing too little? When is it 'enough'? That seems to me like a really backwards way of looking at the whole thing.

So anyway today I'm hoping to gets some study done. Exegesis to be exact.

-Hannah

There's a photo in this backpackers that looks like canowindra. i'm sure it is.

No Subject

What?

The freeway flows chaotic.

The freeway flows chaotic.

I made a last minute dash across the street to get change for $50.
'I can't take that.' The driver had said when I presented it to him.

The young clerk at the bookshop across the street fumbled with the
jangling keys to the register. 'That's my bus just there', I'd said,
pointing and smiling, hoping he'd get the implied encouragement to be as
quick as possible. He didn't. And I could see the line of people
boarding was getting smaller.

My whole 8 hour trip to Sydney could end up being a waste of time if
that bus leaves without me on it. It's amazing that I manage to get
anywhere. I think the only reason I've made it this far must be God.
There's too many things (like bus driver's not taking $50) that I don't
even think about. Yet somehow it almost always turns out alright. Deep,
deep down (at this point) I'm not yet freaking out..

The clerk searches for the right key, rejecting some outright, trying
others. All the while I'm shifting my weight from foot to foot in an
impatient dance, flicking my phone open and shut. He gets it open
finally, mumbling as his fingers slip on the notes he is trying to get
the out of the drawer. Cynical memories of skill testers with their uselessly
clumsy metal claws come to mind. Eventually he gets it and I make it
back to the bus just as the last of the line is on board. A man is
smiling at me, apparently amused at my mad dash and i'm thinking to myself
'Yes. It's all very funny isn't it.'

On the bus. I look out the window. Where am I? Is this even the right bus?

Oh No.. I notice that the elderly woman who just got boarded has her shirt on
inside out I hate situations like this. I instantly feel like I should
tell her. But does she already know? Is she bursting to find somewhere
to fix it at this very moment, hoping nobody will notice and that if
they do they might think it's a new elderly lady's fashion? And if I do
tell her, how do I do it without causing embarasment? Or seeming
patronising or disrespectful? I could quietly tell her as I got off the
bus? I could slip her a note? Maybe she will get off at my stop? I don't know
if it is just me or whether it's a female thing to sit and figure out every
possible outcome of each action.. But sometimes its a real pain the the neck.
I think about it for so long that I run out of time to do anything. It's my stop.
I have get off. I feel guilty. But ah! I see that she's getting up! I'll just
tell her when we're off the bus. She shuffles slowly towards the door and I jump
off at the back, moving to wait for her at the front. But she doesn't hop off.
She sit's back down in another seat. The door closes and the bus drives away..
'Shit.'

Lyrical reflection

Never thought of this

Such a time as now
I'd be a hypocrite
to turn back now
Waste of space and time
I had an apathetic mind
until I got found out
Opportunity
it saw the very worst in me
and quickly got me out

Any resemblance to Coincidence
Can safely be ignored

If I try to tell you
it was my idea
If I try to behave
As if I wasn't scared
It would be a lie
I think that I would chose an option
less defined by fear
But it's too late now
to pretend all of this is how
I planned to spend the year

Any resemblance to Coincidence
Can safely be ignored..

Ebb and Flow

The pulse. The ebb and flow. The frogger-like intercity navigation.

"Don't make a choice! Make love to both of them!" A man calls at us.

Sitting in a Korean restaraunt. It's reminding me of China.. You can't hear the roar of the city here. Only the sounds of plates or bowls bumping one another and the multi-lingual voices of other customers. Korean music plays in the background. This is a quiet sanctuary tucked between dirty sky scrapers. We peer over a wall at a man mixing some Kimchi in a giant red bucket in the alleyway beside the restaurant. I don't know if he knows he is being watched... But we know he is...

Korean food is amazing. In fact Koreans in general are pretty amazing! The ones I was living with were pretty resourceful. If I was cutting the fat off some bacon or meat off a bone they wanted me to save it for them so they could use it for something! So I'd put it into a little bowl in the fridge, covered in Gladwrap. Maybe all Koreans aren't like this, but these ones didn't waste anything compared to the Aus people also living with us! Hey, maybe more people are like this than I realise.

My room mate broke her sandals pretty badly. She could afford to buy new ones but she chose instead to glue them back in place. It took her ages but eventually they we're as good as new. She only had two pairs of shoes. I think I might have eight. And I wear maybe.. three of those eight pairs?

You get the drift I suppose..

I'm back now in my Country town. You can see the end of it - the rolling green hills , their backs covered with vineyards, the damaged and repaired road winding it's way through Gumtrees and other trees - from the roof. Actually I might go sit up there now.

Redistribution

I like the title of this Blog. "Redistribution". I think it's a good way to describe what is currently happening to all the people I've been living with this past year. First they were gathered, then shuffled carefully over 12 months and now they're about to be dealt out - redistributed to new places. Meanwhile the omnipotent hand of the dealer has already reached for the next pile of cards... Drawing it towards the table to undergo the same process.

I'm not trying to call life a game :) But hey who knows.. Maybe it is... But not a pointless one. A purposefully, carefully and joyfully played one. I don't know. To say it's not a game (to me) seems to take something away. Anyway... All of this to tell you that things are changing are here! The Old students are packed up and leaving and a new group have come.

One thing I notice about myself when I'm suddenly in a big group of people I don't know very well is that I get a little insecure. I seem to need to make sure that everyone gets in their brains the 'sort of person I am'. So I speak louder and more often. I make more jokes, stealing quick glances at the newcomers to check if they're laughing. I take more care in what I wear. If I pick up an instrument (which is pretty normal for me) I pick the most popular songs I know or the most difficult to play.
"Ahhh.." They say. "Yes.. This girl is worthy..She passes the test."
I could keep this up all day..